


An Unwilling Acceptance

by McGlovely



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, I wanted to write fluff and this is what happened, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, Short, mild PTSD, why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 18:51:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14219517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McGlovely/pseuds/McGlovely
Summary: Saix has some serious anxiety episodes. Not going unnoticed by his colleague, Axel decides to ask him about his strange actions.(Hope you enjoy!)





	An Unwilling Acceptance

Saix knew he no longer had a heart, but that never stopped his chest from tightening every now and again.

It always came out of nowhere and in different ways. It generally started with a sort of dread enveloping his entire being. Cursing his memories for causing such a reaction, his breath would shorten or he would freeze in place. Finally, as he tried to regain air and apply reason, the trembling would begin. At that moment, Saix would find his first excuse to leave. If he stayed, the other members could take notice. Saix wouldn’t care about their opinions—his position allowed him that right—but if anyone were to take that issue to the Superior…It would’ve been the worst outcome.

However, Saix became used to fighting with these panic-filled states. They were reoccurring events in his life long before the Organization ever was. The only difference back than was that he had someone to help him. Axel. In the past, that spikey-haired nuisance would never leave his side when the fear took hold. While the boy was irritating, Saix had always been appreciative. Now, however, Axel spent his days playing babysitter to the Keyblade wielder and his replica. Saix generally brushed him off, keeping the goal of Kingdom Hearts’ completion in the forefront of his mind. He cared not for the man’s antics. However, the solitude took a toll whenever the panic struck.

Of course, some days were much worse than others.

Saix found this shoved back in to his face during a meeting. He had been summoned by Xemnas, along with Xigbar, to discuss the matter of an imposter roaming the worlds. Having been the first to receive such a report from Xaldin, Saix understood the situation fairly well. “Riku,” the report had called him. Supposedly an old friend of Sora’s, this boy was now on the hunt for the Organization’s own Keyblade. He needed to be eliminated if they were to continue to use Roxas. Otherwise, it would be back to relying on Sora, who had gone missing not too long after the events of Castle Oblivion. Saix knew this. It was articulating this that tripped him up.

Generally, speaking in front of the other members--Superior included--wasn’t difficult for him. However, his memories reacted strangely the moment he had heard the news. That unsettling buzz latched on to him like a parasite, unwilling to let go until his thoughts had been overrun by nothing but this predicament. Not to mention it’s complications.

_He’ll ruin everything,_ it incessantly whispered. _What will you do if you cannot become whole? What will happen if you can’t break free?_

The buzzing grew louder, the thoughts growing claws to pick at his brain until they had complete control. Saix desperately tried to push them away. He opened his mouth to speak, but found no words waiting for him. To his dismay, this didn’t go unnoticed by the other members. He could see Xigbar trying to get his attention, but the snide comments never registered. Perhaps that was for the best, but it didn’t help the talons now latching on to his chest, squeezing the air from his lungs, leaving his breaths shaky and shallow.

Saix was eased back in to reality by the feeling of cool marble through his black gloves. When he glanced down, he realized he had a death grip on the edge of his seat. While the cold was barely there, it was enough for him to focus and slowly bring himself back.

He faced his two colleagues once again, this time meeting Xemnas’ amber eyes. The questioning stare Saix saw in them almost set off another attack. “My apologies.” He loosened his grip on the chair, once again settling in to his hunched position. However, he knew this peaceful center wouldn’t last long. Giving himself a time limit, he rushed his explanation without a hitch. The meeting soon adjourned, and Saix was left to his own devices.

It was at moments like these where Saix was thankful most of his time was spent in the confines of the Castle. Xemnas may have been an ever-present enigma, but he spent his days locked away in his room. Saix heard his voice every now and again from inside the corridor, but that was about it. Even when the Superior sought him out, it was never for very long. Surprising, given how close they were in their past lives. Either way, Saix wouldn’t complain. After all, this allowed him to pace down the long halls of their lair unnoticed, listening to the echoes of his footsteps as his anxious energy abated. Or, at least, it normally did.

As Saix began his nervous ritual around the Castle, he heard the sound of a portal forming behind him. With his newfound calm faltering, he whirled around, praying whoever came to give their report would think the fidgets were from the soon-to-be full moon rather than his own nervous ticks. His entire body froze when he saw those amber eyes staring back at him.

“Lord Xemnas,” Saix nodded, straightening himself out as much as was possible for him. Seeing this man…It was difficult whether to place his presence as soothing or unsteadying.

“Why in the world are you here, Number VII?” Xemnas drawled, portal vanishing behind him with a hiss. The Superior’s voice was a constant whisper. While truly fitting of his intimidating stature, Saix couldn’t help but enjoy the melodic quality to it. Of course, his tone was overshadowed by the memories of Xemnas Saix just couldn’t place. Even when he first became a Nobody, there was a constant “fear” of the Superior. Perhaps this was just his power. However, being too long in Xemnas’ presence made the diviner’s X-shaped scar itch for some odd reason.

The silver-haired man slunk forwards with slow, graceful steps towards his subordinate. Saix was instantly back on edge. As if on cue, the air was quickly stolen from him, leaving him desperately trying to cover up how badly his breath began to hitch.

“…Merely inspecting the state of the Castle.” Saix replied, kicking himself. Yes, he was under immense stress and yes, he may have felt his vision begin to go dark, but there was no way Xemnas would believe a terrible excuse like that. _Especially_ at a time like this. As the Superior gave him yet another quizzical look, doubts wrapped around his mind, plunging him back in to the thick of it. _If you passed out right now, what would happen? He would question you. Would your overbearing memories be brought to light? Would Xemnas no longer see you as fit for his second-in-command?_

Saix suppressed a shiver at that last idea. He tried his best to push back the dread and deal with the matter at hand. “Is there something you need my help with, Superior?”

Thankfully, Xemnas didn’t question his present actions. “There is, in fact, something you could explain to me,” he replied, letting each syllable enough time to ring out in the hall. Saix hoped it wasn’t what he thought it was and cursed himself when he found his suspicions correct. “Your actions in Where Nothing Gathers…What exactly caused that lapse in attention? It is quite out of character for your mind to falter like that, VII.”

Saix felt his control waver yet again, his shoulders visibly heaving for an instant. However, that instant was enough. A look close to concern flashed across the Superior’s face, and he observed Saix’s behavior in earnest.

He hated this. He may not have been able to feel, but what he wouldn’t give for this moment to be over. Saix may have been able to deal with Xemnas’ oppressive countenance easier than the rest of the Organization, save Xigbar, but now? That piercing golden gaze peered deep in to his soul, wordlessly exposing every inadequacy of Saix’s to the one person he wanted to keep in the dark.

In his distress, he could hear a warbled version of Xemnas’ voice calling out to him. He could see the man stepping closer to him, but it didn’t register. It had never been this awful, nor frequent. Saix wasn’t equipped to deal with this and trying to keep himself stable only used up the last of his mental energy. It was no use. Xemnas’ figure became hazy and Saix crumpled to the cold, monochrome floor.

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Saix’s body felt heavy. He didn’t feel like he existed, but he could sense the person hovering above him. The diviner glanced up at the out of focus figure. For a moment, he saw the flashes of red and the glint of emerald eyes. It couldn’t be, could it?

The boy was frantic. Yelling, _screaming_ at Saix to get up. But he could do nothing. There was no feeling in his legs or arms. His face burned. His chest hurt. He could feel something. Something just like today, but worse. A terror surged through the diviner’s body. The one thing he could feel.

There was a flash of blackness behind the boy. Saix felt the terror rip in to him. He wanted to scream but he couldn’t get his voice to work. Instead, there was only a haze. Claws gripping his chest. His face burning. It hurt. It _hurt._

The boy crumpled to the floor. Saix watched. He wanted to fight. He wanted to run. He wanted to help him. All Saix could do was listen to the voice coming from the haze. Only watch as their assailant attacked the man with the eyepatch. Only feel the burning worsen.

It all hurt.

There was nothing he could do.

_“Except give in.”_

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Saix woke up in a cold sweat, lurching up from the bed he found himself in. His breathing was rapid, and his mind swirled. Scrunching his hands against the bedsheet, he tried to calm himself. Saix hated those dreams: they always left him with a buzzing through his limbs, as if he alive but dead at the same time. As if he didn’t know what was real.

Shaking himself off, Saix looked around the room. Though many of the bedrooms in the Castle That Never Was looked identical, Saix could tell that he was in his own. Good. Knowing where he was brought a sense of ease back to his overwhelming chaos.

Of course, that wasn’t the only question he had. What about Xemnas? He had been present when Saix had his attack, but now? He supposed he shouldn’t be surprised, given how puzzling the silver haired man is even to his second-in-command, but it was still a concern.

What about his dream, as well? Though everything except the dull buzzing had faded, Saix still didn’t understand. The last time he had woken up feeling this way was around the time he first became a member of Organization XIII. Now, _years_ have passed, and those dreams suddenly reappear? It made no sense.

Saix let out a deep sigh as he released his hold on the bed. This was ridiculous. Perhaps these questions could be answered when Kingdom Hearts is completed and the Organization is finally whole once more. Or, maybe, those questions would never be answered, and Saix would be left in blissful ignorance when he became Somebody. Either way, it was a mess with no easy fixes in sight. All he could do was continue the day-to-day routine.

Just as he was about to get up, he heard the door swish open. When Saix looked to see who it was, he immediately tensed.

“Uh…Hey, there.” Axel said. His generally fluent stride seemed staggered and stuttering as he entered, the door closing behind him. Of course, the fact that he was even in Saix’s room was odd enough. How long had it been since he and Axel had spoken since the two became part of the Organization? Saix couldn’t remember, didn’t care—his head still swam.

Never mind that. The blue haired man quickly regained him composure, along with his stony countenance. “I see you still haven’t learned to knock, Number VIII. No matter. What is it you needed?”

Axel sighed internally, already feeling the canyon-sized rift between them widening. Saix had embraced their emotionless lives a bit too easily. Maybe he had always been like that, Axel thought, but no. Isa may have had a biting sarcasm, but he was far from the cruelty Saix became.

“Look,” the red-haired man started with a huff. “I just wanted to make sure you were alright. Heard about what happened.” Axel’s words hung in the air for a few moments too long as Saix tried to stabilize himself against the news. Sensing the man’s apprehension, the red head added, “Don’t worry. Everyone thinks you collapsed from overworking yourself.” It was a relief to him when Saix visibly relaxed. Gaining a little courage from that, Axel ventured in to what was really worrying him. “That attack…It’s like what you used to have, isn’t it?”

Saix peered at the red head with a golden stare. It was as if he was mulling something over. They held each other’s eyes for what felt like an eternity before the diviner gave up, sighing and looking down at the bed. He said, barely above a whisper, “Perhaps.”

“Thought so,” Axel said with a nod. He took the blue haired man’s meekness as cue to walk over. This, however, seemed to agitate him.

Saix gave him his signature icy stare once again, making Axel freeze in his place. “Did you come to dig up the past then, Number VIII? I see no other reason for you to be in my private quarters.”

“What, I can’t be worried about you?”

“No. None of us can ‘be worried’ about anyone, for that matter.”

“That doesn’t stop me, you know that.” Axel shot back, a sort of fire starting in his chest that he always felt around Saix. This man never ceased to make him feel human, even if it was only a memory of rage. Even then, he tried to push that down. Who knew if Saix was even okay? “Look. It just sounded similar to what you did when we were kids, and I was worried ‘cause no one else would’ve known how to deal with it, or even want to help. I just had to make sure you were alright, okay? Once I know that, I’ll go.”

“It should be obvious. I’m perfectly fine, and more than capable of picking myself up off the ground, Axel.” Saix explained, a small growl in his voice.

Axel chuckled, a bitter tinge to the sound. “ _Nothing_ is ever obvious with you. Heart or no heart, no matter how much time passes, you’ll always be hiding everything from everyone.” Feeling like he was on a roll, the red head added, “Not to mention, if you were so ‘capable’ of picking yourself up, you wouldn’t have passed out today. You’d have been able to deal with it, which means something is _really_ wrong. And if you won’t tell me, who are you _going_ to tell?

“I know everything’s been rocky between us. But do you think pushing me away is going to fix that? That being mean to Roxas and Xion—don’t give me that look, I _know_ what you’ve said—is going to fix _anything_? That you’ll just, one morning, forget about me or something? No! Because I’m _not_ letting you do that! I don’t care whether we’re people, Nobodies, Heartless, whatever! _I’m not letting you forget about me, Isa!”_

Axel caught himself, but a little too late. The name of his long-lost friend that he just barely saw in the man before him slipped out. The air in the room felt heavy as both seemed taken aback by what just happened. But the red head was the first to break from the stupor.

Shaking his head, Axel turned from the berserker. “Never mind. I just…I don’t know. If you really want me gone, then I’ll be going.”

Saix didn’t know what had come over him as he sat up on the bed, watching his old friend leave. All he knew was that he didn’t want Axel to leave him alone, and something inside the diviner believed that, if he walked out that door, that would be the last time he would see the red head again. It was foolish. It was irritating. It was weakness. He didn’t want to be alone again.

Alone… _Aren’t you already?_

Saix withdrew his outstretched hand just in time, as Axel glanced back at him. For a moment, he thought he saw hurt in those beautiful emerald eyes of his. The diviner dug his fingertips in to the bedsheets once more, searching for a sense of cold composure. “If you have time to be concerned for me Axel, then, if you’d be so kind, why not show it through getting back to your missions? Your work as of late is hardly satisfactory.”

Axel’s eyes darkened, his shoulders sagging ever so slightly. Without a single utterance of his characteristic backtalk, the red head left the room, the door quickly shutting itself behind him.

Saix let out a few ragged breaths, trying to keep himself calm through the inferno that danced on his scar and the claws that pierced his entire being. That was right. He was alone. In that moment of weakness, he had almost forgotten. Lea was no more, and Axel had made his choice. If he enjoyed the company of Roxas and his duplicate more, then so be it. No longer would Saix depend on him for help. No longer would the dreamlike thoughts of their past life plague him.

It didn’t matter. It wasn’t like he could miss Axel’s kiss. He could no longer “miss” anything.

Saix lifted himself up off the bed, waving away the pit in his stomach in exchange for the numbness his realization brought. That was right. He _was_ alone. From the moment he donned the cloak of the Organization. There was only one way to get his life back.

Without a moment’s hesitation, he welcomed the newfound emptiness and the clear mind it brought and began his journey to the Addled Impasse. There was work to be done.


End file.
